Wednesday, 16 August 2017

Me vs The Dark Rabbit Hole of YouTube

For years I avoided letting my kids watch traditional tv commercials for toys. It was wonderful, and significantly cut down on the levels of "IwantitIwantitIwantit" ringing out through my house every time a commercial break occurred. Praise Netflix.

But then, one day, my oldest discovered toy demonstration videos on YouTube.

If you haven't experienced these (and it is an experience), please allow me a moment to explain the joy. The whole show is basically a diabetes inducing, off camera voice of an adult who is all too excited to open and play with shitty kid toys on camera.

WOW IT'S A TINY PUPPY! SHE JUST LOOKS ADOOOOOOOOORABLE! OH ISN'T THAT SWEET, SHE COMES WITH A RABID FOAMING MOUTH ACCESSORY! IT JUST CLIPS RIGHT IN LIKE THAT. OH THAT'S JUST SUCH A GREAT IDEA! ISN'T SHE JUST THE CUTEST! MAYBE THE NEXT PACKAGE WILL INCLUDE THE TINY MAULED CHILD THAT GOES WITH BABY CUJO. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!

Vomit.

So basically, some genius asshole has figured out that by opening toys and playing with them on camera, complete with irritating high pitched voices, you can get MILLIONS OF HITS on YouTube. There are entire channels devoted to this perfect example of humanity failing. It boggles the mind, and yet on some level, I wish I'd figured it out first and capitalized the shit out of that.

And so both my children will watch these visual atrocities for as long as you let them. My mornings are filled with shrill idiots extolling the virtues of the latest plastic toy that will eventually jam my vacuum cleaner, which is broken only by my children plaintively asking to go to Toys R Us while the next video loads.

OH MY GOODNESS, IT'S A TINY BABY SHITS-A-LOT! HE'S SO CUTE! WOW! I JUST LOOOOOOOVE HIM. LOOK AT HIS TINY ANUS AND PERFECTLY SCULPTED FAKE HAIR! WHAT A LITTLE TREASURE! LET'S OPEN THE NEXT MYSTERY BAG! OMG IT'S A TINY BOTTLE TO FEED HIM WATER SO IT LOOKS LIKE HE HAS REAL BABY DIARRHOEA! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!


Help me.

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